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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Seven Years

So, today, it has been seven very eventful years of marriage to Graham.

I seriously cannot believe that it has been that long. Cliche or not, the past seven years have flown by (or crawled by in some instances). I swear, it was honestly yesterday that I was saying yes to marry Graham (we don't say "I do" in the marriage ceremony in the LDS temple).

I remember bawling my eyes out yet also listening to my stomach growl embarrassingly loud during the 3 PM (? is it weird I don't remember the actual time we got married) sealing ceremony.

I remember my panic and anxiety attacks pre-engagement.

I remember our first kiss in a church parking lot after seeing Spiderman 3 with friends.

I remember our first real date during the Cinco de Mayo festival on the Portland waterfront.

I remember saying I love you for the first time under the stars on the Oregon Coast.

And so many other moments in the meantime.. But I'm not going to go through all of the high- and low-lights of the almost eight years we've been together. I'm here to talk about what I've learned and felt.

Seven years is really not that much time in the long-term perspective, but in a 30-something's life span, it sure seems like a lot, especially considering that I got through college and grad school in the same amount of time.. And I changed and learned a lot during that time of my life. Although I gained a substantial amount of knowledge during my college years, I still lacked understanding of relationships and love. Marriage is one of the best teachers and motivators of change for personal lives (as long as you're willing to learn and change).

Graham has taught me, intentionally or not, about the power of forgiveness in personal relationships. Sure, there may be instances in which a personal relationship should be ended when offense has been given, but forgiveness can be utilized even in situations where irreparable harm has been done. Forgiveness has been given to us by God to truly free us from entanglements and resentments. When exercised to its full potential, we can move on, be free again to love others, and not be weighed down by our past. I never considered myself to be a particularly forgiving person, as I clearly remember when people have hurt my feelings or did wrong against me. But, after all I've been through, I feel like I can forgive people of their trespasses, little and big. Someone called me a "saint" for getting back together with Graham, but I don't even come close to meeting that description (HA). Marriage is fraught with interpersonal conflict, hurtful things done/said, and little annoying things that build up into big frustrations. By holding on to old hurts, pains, and resentments, it can cloud your view of your spouse and forever taint anything good or new they ever do. If you're always looking at your spouse with poop-colored glasses, you'll just forever be dissatisfied. Nothing your spouse will say or do will ever be right. Without regular acts of forgiveness, true love within a marriage is not possible.

Graham has taught me about honest, true love, and what that means as a married person. It does not mean that we will be blissfully happy and walking on clouds every day/month/year of our life. It doesn't mean that we will always be able to make each other happy. Sometimes, our relationship will feel more like work than love (or more work than fun). I don't get butterflies when my husband enters the room (I saw someone post that and I kind of rolled my eyes a little). Sometimes I want to wring his neck for doing something stupid. But, you know what actually makes me happiest and makes me love him the most? Serving my husband.. Doing something nice for him that he doesn't expect. Doing something for him that he truly appreciates. Giving him space to enjoy the things he loves (i.e. sports), no matter how much they annoy me. True love to me is when Graham wakes up early to start my car outside in the cold every morning.. without me ever asking. Love is feeling like home when I'm with him, no matter where we are. Of all the guys I've ever been with, I've never wanted to be with someone so much.. All day. Every day.

Graham has taught me how to be honest, in a hard way, I guess. I needed to learn how to be truthful to myself and to others about my feelings and intentions. It wasn't only with his issues, but mine as well. I am not a saint, nor will I ever be. I am trying every day to be a better person, and to be true to who I am and who I could be. When you're married, you can no longer hide your flaws and only put your best face forward. Your spouse can see everything about you--your weaknesses, frailties, your strengths, your kindness, your mean streak. And yet, they still choose to love you even though you are just a human.  Honesty is being you, the whole, imperfect yet still lovable you.

Graham has to taught me to be kind, and not just to your spouse. I never knew anybody like Graham that could be so nice to other people and yet still be able to understand my sarcasm. He has the empathy that a kind person has, and yet still can tease people. He offers to help people all of the time. He is nice even when I don't think he should be. He is such a good example to me of someone trying to be Christlike and loving to others. I was definitely not blessed with that trait, but I'm glad I married someone who did. His inherent kindness has even tempered my sarcasm and cynicism, something I never thought possible (me--the sassy teenage girl who once bragged she could make fun of any one at any time).

Anyways, marriage is slowly helping me become a better person by learning to forgive, be honest, and to truly love others. It's been a learning process, with some major growing pains for sure. At times, I've seriously questioned if he really was the right one to marry, especially considering the trials we've been through. And really, now that it's been done, why does it matter if it was the right decision or not? I've made the commitment to God, to Graham, and to my family, and now I need to live with my choices, for better or for worse. I'm not unhappy with my fact, right now, I am pretty damn happy with my choice. I couldn't have picked someone better for me. He loves me, and I see it whenever I look into his eyes. And because he has loved me, I will never be the same. (Oh boy, this is now teetering on the edge of being totally corny. Now busting out Celine Dion: I'm everything I am because you loved me.)

Here's to another anniversary and many more..

Friday, December 12, 2014

Mortifying Myself #2: Building my self-esteem

So, I was pretty insecure as a teenager, as many girls were. This has remained with me even throughout adulthood. Anyways, my junior high years were rough because I never felt like boys liked me, even though I did have a "boyfriend" at a different junior high in the area in 8th grade. So, in high school, I got a little more attention from boys, especially since I was a cheerleader (probably what I'd been hoping for). Every time I thought a boy was looking at me, or thought I was cute, I would write about it in my journal. That's how important it was to my self-esteem. I became friends with an older boy who played basketball on the varsity team, so we talked a lot and he would tell me some of these things..

Me at 15-16 years old:

"Well, Friday nite, I found out more guys think I'm cute than I thought. Tom and Josh do, and so does Keith (since he always stares at me) and so does Peter.. (Ben probably does too, because he looks at me too.)"

"Several guys on the varsity basketball think I'm cute, and I think I will be a babe when I'm older. Boy, I can't wait!"

"He said he, Keith, and Ryan were talking about me at the basketball game. They were talking about how nice a body I have, and how great it will be when I get old. He said I was 'well made'."

"Well Sadie Hawkins [a girl-ask-boy dance] was last night. Everybody else was excited, except for me. I didn't wanna dance w/ Doug! I ditched him on a couple of songs. Rian kept trying to freak with me and stuff, and I did for not very long, and I think Doug saw us. Maybe that should be a hint Doug!...All of the seniors said hi to me tonight. I just attract the older guys! Also, I didn't get to dance with Ben, so that was pretty bad. But, Aaron pinched my butt and I think Dustin likes me, so, Gottsta go. C-ya."

"Well, I have found some more guys who think I'm cute, Doug ___,baby! He is such a babe!"

"P.S. Josh said he doesn't like me; we are just friends. That doesn't mean he doesn't want me!"

"I can't believe my freshman year is over!! I liked being a freshman. The year has gone by so fast!! The best part was the 2nd half, when I realized I was cute, and people would like me if they could."

Anyways, that's all I will torture myself with right now. You get the idea: I was obsessed with boys, and learning that I am actually attractive to the opposite sex.

Next installment: learning how to flirt as an awkward teenage girl.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

God will never let me be successful..

I don't know how many of you are as big Seinfeld fans as we are, but we know many quotes and watch the whole 9 seasons at least once per year. One thing that always makes us laugh is Graham's likeness to George Costanza in many ways. Graham may not be stocky like George, but he has other similarities (**cough cough balding cough cough short**).

--Graham has eaten out of the trash like George.
--Graham has to do the opposite of his natural instincts sometimes, like George.
--Let's not forget that Graham had to move back in with his parents for a little bit, like George.
--He also has had many many things go wrong for him, like George.

Related to that last one, our married life has often been a comedy of errors, with everything seeming to go wrong for us (like the day when Graham wrecked someone's ATV and I also washed his new Blackberry in the washing machine).. Or in Hawaii when Graham left his cell phone at the Dole Plantation, I left my cell phone at Sephora, and Graham went swimming/snorkeling with the rental car key in the pocket of his swim trunks.

And now, things are actually going suspiciously well.. Well enough for Graham to say something to the effect of, "God will never let me be successful", like George said in Seinfeld. It's not like we actually believe that, but our luck has never been great (related to coincidence or choices, I guess)..

We have several bits of good family news:

--Graham got a new job. And in fact, it's not just a new job--it's actually a career. He is currently going through a very strenuous and intense hiring process. I won't give too many details, but it's a stable government job, with lots of benefits and potential. It doesn't start out at high as if Graham has been hired on as an engineer, but definitely better than where he's working now. There are some negatives, but we will deal with them as they come (more on that later). Anyways, we are beyond excited for this opportunity. However, this does mean that we will pretty much live in this area forever.

--The even bigger news. This has been my dream for the longest time.. We are officially in the process of buying a house! Once we decided Graham wasn't going to finish his engineering degree, we had to be a little more realistic about where we could afford a house. That limited our selection a bit more, especially when it came to finding a house in a good school district. The schools around here are awful (well, maybe not all of them), so we found an area we like in a good school district a bit farther away.. The bad thing is that it will make my commute to about 25-35 minutes each way. Graham will be able to do a Park-and-Ride parking lot with a bus ride to work. So yeah, we are getting a USDA loan with an amazing deal on a renovated semi split-level home on a cul-de-sac. It has mostly everything that we were looking for, and I am so happy to finally have a place to call home. We should close by the middle of January and be moved before February 1st.

We are just sooooo happy that things are going well for us--FINALLY. Pray for us that everything goes well for Graham's hiring process and our USDA loan approval.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Hawaii 2014

So, as many of you know, we took a family trip to Oahu this past month. My parents have a timeshare on Waikiki, and they were able to get 2 condos in a tower about 2 blocks away from Waikiki beach. Weirdly enough, it was the same hotel we stayed in when we went as a family in December of 1999. I wasn't super excited about going to Oahu again as I'd been there twice before as a teenager (I know, I know, I sound like a spoiled brat). I thought I'd seen and done it all, so while I was excited to go to Hawaii, I wasn't super excited to go back to Oahu.

To my surprise, I loved being so close to Waikiki as a mom. It was close enough to the beach, the hotel, restaurants, shopping, etc, and not that far of a car ride to anything else we wanted to see. It was kind of strange going to Waikiki as I felt like I was going back in time. I went in December 1999 with my family (and my high school boyfriend) and June 2001 for my high school graduation senior trip (that really makes me feel old). I felt kind of like a teenager again, and I distinctly remember strolling down the Waikiki strip with friends and walking down Waikiki Beach with my boyfriend. So, it was definitely weird to be with my husband and son walking down the same beach.

Anyways, we absolutely had the BEST time. Carter kept saying on our last day, "But I just don't want to leave Hawaii!" We know, Carter, we know... I'll just give you some brief descriptions of what we did (because I normally don't do this kind of thing--let's face it.. my life is boring and my vacations are usually to visit my family in California or Utah). I'll add some vacation pictures in here when I have better access (also posted on my Facebook and Instagram accounts).

Saturday: We arrived at the airport and my sweet mom arranged for us to get fresh leis by baggage claim. If you've ever been to the Honolulu airport, you'd know it is partly open air, so we loved that. The heat was quite shocking, though, when exiting the plane and walking through the jetway tunnel. We managed to find our family and made our way in the rental minivan to the hotel on Waikiki. We got to check in a little early, changed into our bathing suits, and walked over to the beach. The water was freaking bath-tub warm and felt amazing. We literally hung out in the water for over an hour, which isn't normally our thing. We hung out at the beach for a couple of hours and the kids had a blast. My brother Jacob's family went as well, and Carter was just in LOVE with his cousins, including Gabe, who's 17 and 3 feet taller than Carter. I don't remember what/where we ate for dinner, but I remember we did stop at Jack in the Box for lunch..  :/

Sunday: After taking an early walk on the Waikiki strip (I never really did get used to Hawaii time), we went to church at the Honolulu LDS Tabernacle. It seriously was an amazing building and grounds. Wow. It almost looked like a temple. It was their ward's primary program, which was good because we were missing our primary's program. Carter sang all the songs with the little kids. Totally adorable, except he started talking loudly about Godzilla in the middle of a prayer. We then went on a family train ride on Hawaiian Railway. We got an awesome, and very sunny, view of the West Oahu shoreline. It wasn't super exciting, but I know Carter had a blast. We then celebrated all of our family's birthdays in October and November (five birthdays!) with spaghetti and chocolate cake.

Monday: This was Pearl Harbor day. I'd already done this before, but this was on Graham's must-do list. Again, it was a touching and humbling experience and I teared up a bit during the video. Carter was actually pretty respectful as well and talks about the "ships being destroyed". My brother really wanted to get a Dole Whip (which was super amazing by the way), so we stopped by the plantation on the way to Haleiwa Beach. The beach was nice, but this was a particularly bad spot for coral. Ouch. All of our feet got torn up pretty good. We decided to avoid the traffic by taking the long way home and making a long drive around the island and the North Shore. We stopped by the Laie LDS temple to take some pictures, and we ate at this amazing taco place called North Shore Tacos.

Tuesday: This was the most chill day of them all. I worked out with my mom, us ladies got pampered by getting facials and massages, and I got my makeup done at Sephora on the Waikiki strip before my date with Graham. I chose Duke's, which is a totally touristy restaurant on the beach (as most places are on Waikiki), that I'd heard great things about. It was delicious and we had the most amazing sunset view from our table. Graham and I walked around the shops and hotels and had a great time without children.

Wednesday: This day was eventful and we planned to hike Diamond Head and snorkel at Hanauma Bay. The hike was really nice, and of course, provided an amazing view of the island. I was surprised at the ease of the hike, as I remembered it being difficult from high school. Anyways, we next went to snorkel and swim at Hanauma Bay. I am not a huge fan of snorkeling, as it makes me kind of claustrophobic and getting too close to fish and other creatures makes me panicky (I'm totally not an animal person, including fish). The bay was gorgeous, but it was freaking hot. We used a spray sunscreen that didn't work very well, and my sun allergy broke out really bad on my arms. Graham had a zig zag sunburn on his back from my crappy attempt at protecting his back with sunscreen. Also, Graham went snorkeling with the rental minivan car key fob in the pocket of his swimsuit. Miraculously, it still worked! Graham was lucky, or he may not have made it back home alive. Anyways, we did some Vietnamese takeout that night for dinner.

Thursday: Today was our zip-lining day. Not many of us had been before, so it was an awesome experience. It was practically a brand new course on the North Shore called Climb Works. They drove us up to the top on an ATV, and we took 7+ zip lines on the way down, including rappelling, climbing up a rope, and walking/running across a wood bridge. We had so much fun, especially since we died laughing at my mom trying to climb up the rope (you definitely had to be there). We headed back to the hotel, where Graham hurt his wrist playing basketball with our teenage nephew playing on a wet court outside. We all went out to Cheesecake Factory that night to celebrate my niece's 14th birthday.

Friday: Beach day. All beach. All day. I read the Green Mile that day and ended up with tears streaming down my face while on the beach. Totally normal beach behavior. Because it was Halloween, it was looking to be really busy on the Waikiki strip. We ended up ordering Round Table Pizza and eating in the hotel. We then dressed the kiddos up (Carter was Spiderman) and walked over to Honolulu Zoo. For $5, you could trick or treat there and visit their own Haunted House, Carter actually went in and wasn't very scared. He kept in character and kept trying to shoot spider webs at "bad guys" in the haunted house. A mad scientist character was holding fake brains on a platter and asked Carter if he wanted to see his brains. Carter replied, "No thank you!". We died laughing. Carter is even polite to haunted house people! Anyways, Graham and I took one last walk on the beach that night after briefly checking out the crazy dressed up people on Waikiki. Definitely not our scene.

Saturday: We went out for breakfast at LuLu's Waikiki, which is an open-air restaurant right across the street from the beach. We sat at the bar so we could all just stare out at the ocean (I know, it's the same Pacific Ocean that I have access to here in Seattle) and enjoy the delicious food. I ate Spam in honor of my last day in Hawaii (it's really good--I would eat it here more if it weren't so bad for you). We drove to the airport, all depressed and sad. We soaked up all of the sun and warm breezes that we could get before heading home.

I don't know when we'll be back to Oahu (let alone Hawaii), so it was definitely sad leaving. I will remember this trip fondly and will miss those warm nights and beautiful sunsets. Sigh...

And, just to see if you're still reading this.. We have some big news coming up...

Saturday, October 18, 2014

As Promised: My First Vlog Ever (#1 Mortifying Myself Vlog Series)

As previously promised, here is my first vlog in my Mortifying Myself series. This is just an entry that kind of illustrates how I felt about writing about my feelings and events. I thought it was a good introduction to the rest of my journal entries.

Just a heads up. It's not a great quality video. It's with my old webcam with me just sitting at my computer desk. Also, I'm not used to looking straight at the camera so I kept looking at the screen at the image of my striking face (haha--yeah right). Anyways, I plan on doing this again over the next month or so for another random journal entry. I have a kind of funny one about my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and a memorable date in college. What do you guys think? Any requests?

Here's the vlog:

I really love the thumbnail YouTube chose.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Times, they are a' changin.. Again

Well, if there's one thing I know how to do, it would be how to adapt to new situations. Unfortunately.

However, this is a somewhat good change. Graham was working swing shifts weeknights with one additional graveyard shift on Friday nights. However, some things changed at work, and his hours were reduced back down to 28 hours if he wanted to continue swing shifts, or 30 hours if he wanted to work three 10-hour graveyard shifts. (The company doesn't want to hire full-time employees for these shifts so they don't have to pay for healthcare--love these new laws). So, he took the three graveyard shifts. This means I now go back to working at a normal hour (7:30 or 8:30 AM), and my husband is actually home for dinner every night! So, even though his hours are less, we spend less on gas, I get more sleep, and I have my husband home for dinner every night. There are definitely some blessings to this change.

Also, I don't want to jinx anything, but Graham has an interview at a local Naval base today. This is a big opportunity, and if it happens, it means more life changes as well. We are beyond excited for this interview as he has been applying here for months!

Anyways, I promise I'll get my vlog up soon. Like I said, things have been changing here and I hardly ever get on my computer at night. It is already done--I just have to upload it. I also have an upcoming blog about something I've been thinking about a lot--modern marriage and the play of power and control between spouses. I've been really thinking about how I want to word it because it's been on my mind and something I feel pretty strong about.

Until then, we are off to Hawaii next week! Woohoo!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Fitness Frustration

Ugh, I've mentioned in previous videos that I've gained some of my weight back over the past 6 months. It all started when I started a new birth control that made me dizzy and very fatigued. I couldn't exercise as hard and I had to lay down a lot. It took me two weeks or so to get back to feeling better after I discontinued the birth control. (P.S. If your doctor tries to convince you that the Mirena is not causing dizziness, but that it's related to allergies that have never caused anything like this before, sometimes you gotta trust your gut and say no.) Also, Graham started working in the evenings, so I don't like cooking as much, so I probably was snacking more. More, I was eating like crap over the summer, eating wayyyyy too many dessert items. Lastly, this new electronic medical record system at work makes me spend much more time at the computer and less time walking around the hospital.

So yes, I am heavier now (probably 5-7 pounds more) than I was in March, and it has ALL returned into my gut. Like seriously, I feel like a stuffed sausage in some of clothes. Being so short, 5 pounds is a LOT on my frame, especially when it is all in one freaking area. My pants that I've bought in the past 2 years since I've lost weight feel tighter and really make me angry and frustrated.

I have not stopped working out. The only workouts I have missed were when we went camping, when I didn't have any videos available, and going for a run would only mean that I was running from wildlife. I have recently started doing some double workouts to help increase my calorie burn and steps during the day. I was doing TurboFire HIIT workouts every other day, but now I'm back to doing RIPPED workouts 2-3 times per week, with an additional 30 minute express Physique 57 workout before each one. I do the full 57 minute Physique 57 workouts 2 times per week, with an additional day of cardio and/or booster workouts from Physique 57 (if you want to be sore and hardly be able to walk for 2 days, try the 30-minute thigh and seat booster.. seriously so sore). I bought the P57 workout videos off eBay as a reward for consistently doing barre-style workouts 3 times per week for 6 months. After the full 57-minute P57 workouts, I do a 20-minute Turbo Jam workout to get my heart rate up and increase my steps for the day (I have a FitBit pedometer for a work health and wellness program). If you've even read this, just know that I have been working HARD (at least, fitness-wise).

Anyways, I have to remind myself that fitness is a journey. Life doesn't just get better all of the time. There are ups and downs, and that also applies to fitness and health. I can't expect to constantly get skinnier or more toned, although I definitely have gotten stronger and better, especially at push ups. Right now, I'm in a fitness valley, and I just need to get my nutrition act together so I can at least get back to where I was. It's just very frustrating because weight loss was easy (nutrition-wise) because all I did was starting exercising and wasn't very restrictive with my diet. I was also maintaining my weight kind of eating what I wanted, of course in moderation. So now, I have to be more careful about what I eat. Graham and I have been discussing a diet for us both before we go to Hawaii in a month. We'll see how this goes.

If you're interested in my Mortifying Myself series where I share or read some of my journal entries, I'll be posting a video within the next week. It's just an intro to my journal entries, but if it works out, I may read and vlog some of my more memorable journal entries (like my first kiss).